


Recovery

by phoenixfire_19



Series: Rescue and Recovery [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, Domestic Avengers, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Healing, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Non-Sexual Age Play, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, therapy is hard work my dudes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:01:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26363866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixfire_19/pseuds/phoenixfire_19
Summary: Now that Y/N Stark has finally found a home, it`s time for her to begin processing her past and learning how to cope with her new reality. Healing has been a long time coming but it doesnt come easy.Go read Part One or this story will make zero sense!
Relationships: Clint Barton/Laura Barton, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Wanda Maximoff/Reader
Series: Rescue and Recovery [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908907
Comments: 83
Kudos: 117





	1. Noodle Monkeys and Glitter

“Do you really want to be here?”

Your hands started shaking as you fidgeted. This infinitely sucked.

\---

It was Halloween time but unfortunately, this was not a prank. One too many nightmares, a really bad panic attack in front of the team, and a minor slip-up into bad coping mechanisms led to this. Your sibling`s birthday had come and gone with no contact, leaving you agitated, guilty, and on a downward spiral. The loneliness dredged up old memories and trauma, leading to a really bad relapse. Instead of hiding though, you ran to Wanda, sobbing and bleeding. She bandaged you up and held you through the night. In the middle of your most vulnerable, you came to the conclusion that it was time for therapy. You held fast to your decision during morning tea, held tightly to it while Mom and Dad held you close after telling them what happened.

But now? Sitting in front of the best therapist Tony could find who was already employed in the Compound? Being asked about your feelings? Now you were regretting this decision.

\---

So far, 40 minutes had passed with you sitting silently, curled up with your knees to your chest in the furthest corner of the couch while your heart beat erratically and your thoughts raced. The therapist, Dr Lia, sat across from you and patiently waited out the silence with you. 

“Do you really want to be here?” she asked again, breaking you from your revere. You picked at the threads of the couch, anxious and angry, barely controlling your movements.

You exploded. “I don’t know, I wanted to be but now I don’t want to anymore! I cant do this!” You threw your hands up to cover your face. 

“Why?”

You fought back the tears. Why was this so hard? “I don’t know, I want to talk but then I get here and it all seems so stupid. I`m always fine in a session, then bad stuff happens, but I cant remember when I come back and then its useless and stupid. I want to get better but I`m tired of putting all this work in.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “Yeah, its fucking frustrating, isn’t it?”

You stopped, glancing up at her before nodding. She continued. “You`ve been the one pulling yourself through everything your entire life. You’ve never really made any progress though because all your past experience was ruined by the trauma going on around you. So it makes sense that nothing worked and that you don’t want to put in the work.”

You rocked back and forth. “But I cant do therapy without forcing myself to push through, even though that’s the last thing I want to do. Hell, I don’t know if I can do that.”

Dr. Lia leaned back onto her couch and pulled up her ankles. “Tell you what, you bring 20-25% of the motivation and I`ll bring the rest.”

You blinked at her. “This is by far the strangest therapy session I`ve ever had.”

She shrugged. “You’ve had shitty experience. What do you think?”

You considered it for a moment. “Yeah, sure. I think I can do that.” Twenty percent didn’t sound too exhausting.

She nodded. “Awesome. Come with me.”

She stood up and walked across the room to a series of shelves. You followed hesitantly as she perused for something, before exclaiming and pulling a box down from the top shelf. She then sat down on the floor and set the box in front of her on the floor. Looking up, she saw you standing awkwardly, shifting.

“Would you like to sit on the floor with me?”

You nodded, folding yourself down to the floor. Once you sat, she opened the box. She pulled out an unopened water bottle and handed it to you.

“Drink half of this.”

You did as she instructed, watching her pull out a bottle of glitter glue and six containers of different kinds of glitter and gems. While you finished half the water bottle, she began to explain.

“So I was thinking, since its just our stressful first session, we could make a glitter bottle and just talk about random stuff, maybe some word association. Nothing too overwhelming, no debrief on your life history. Just a game.”

You set the water bottle down in front of you and slowly released your knees from your chest to sit cross-legged. You tried for a smile. “Yeah.”

She began to fill her own water bottle with glitter glue as you picked a lavender shade. It reminded you of your first date with Wanda, her lavender halter dress. Everyone associated her with a deep, sexy, and dangerous red but you knew better. Wanda was a soft lavender. She was calm; she was safe; she was home.

As you squeezed the glue into the water, Dr. Lia passed you a paper towel. 

“So. The way we`re going to play this is I get to ask you a word and you can reply using one to two words. If it`s too overwhelming at any point, just say noodle monkeys and we can stop.”

You laughed. “Noodle monkeys??!!”

She smiled. “Well, it has to be something totally ridiculous that no one will ever actually accidentally say.”

You nodded, reaching for the container of silver glitter.

Dr. Lia emptied some blue glitter into hers. “Dog?”

“Work.”

“Music?”

“Free.”

“Bread?”

“Heaven.”

“Sunset?”

“Orange.”

“Fruit?”

“Mango.”

“Long?”

“Wait.”

“Sleep?”

“Fear.”

“Love?”

“Lavender.”

“Anger?”

“Pain. Helpless.”

“Family?”

“Stark.”

“Parents?”

“Wrong.”

A moment passed as Dr. Lia paused, waiting for your brain to catch up to your words. You realized the significance of that answer. You briefly made eye contact.

“Noodle monkeys?”

You nodded. “Noodle monkeys.”

You took a few deep breaths as you finished pouring more glitter into your bottle. Dr. Lia squeezed some glue into the inside of your bottle cap before you screwed it on. Shaking your bottle, you watched as the glitter swirled around the inside.

Dr. Lia began to pack up the glitter. “So some of those questions were random, some were purposeful. I`d like to explain some of them to me, okay?”

You nodded, focusing on your glitter bottle.

“Why was dog linked to work?”

You sighed. “My mother wanted to get a dog years ago and I knew it wasn’t going to go well, that she would get tired of taking care of it. No one believed me but I ended up being right. All the pets we had were sources of contention.”

“So for you, pets are linked to extra work, fear, and trauma?” she asked.

“Yep.” You finished.

“Why was sleep linked to fear?”

“Noodle monkeys. Let`s just say I never sleep well.”

She pursed her lips. “Okay, we`ll tackle that some other session. Love and lavender?”

You smiled. “My girlfriend. Her dress on our first date was lavender.”

She smiled with you. “She`s your calm and peace then?”

You nodded. “Yeah.”

“And anger with pain/helpless?”

You twisted your hands in your lap. “I was never allowed to be angry. I don’t know how to be angry. I just get all wrapped up inside and overwhelmed and I can`t let it out. All I want to do is hurt someone and destroy things but I don’t really want to, I know I can`t. Its just really painful for me to be angry because I`m fighting myself. Yeah. That’s it.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “That was really awesome, I`m proud of you.” She stood to put the box back on the shelf. You rose as well, holding your glitter bottle as you made your way back to the couch.

She sat down across from you. “So I`m thinking we should meet three times a week for right now. Obviously that’s going to ebb and flow depending on how you`re doing but since I`m already here in the Compound, the commute isn’t terrible.” You both laughed.

On your way out of her office, you wondered. Maybe this wouldn’t be too terrible after all.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-therapy Y/N and dinner time!

Wanda sat at the counter in the kitchen as you slightly stumbled into the kitchen. Therapy was freaking exhausting: mentally, emotionally, and physically. She smiled and looked up.

“How`d it go, sunshine?” She kissed you as you walked up to her stool and wrapped your hands around her waist, placing the glitter bottle on the counter. 

You rested your head on her shoulder, closing your eyes. “Fucking exhausting. I`m so tired.” Breathing in, you added on. “But it was good. It was really good. She`s pretty nice and I like her.”

Wanda stroked your hair until you let go and wandered around to the other side of the counter.

“What did you talk about?” She picked up the glitter bottle and tilted it back and forth, mesmerized by the sparkles.

You giggled, watching her. “Not much. We made those and did some word association stuff.” You stopped smiling, remembering. “It was hard.”

Wanda hopped off her stool and walked around to you. “Well, its done now until the day after tomorrow so lets focus on now, okay?”

You nod, grateful to your amazing girlfriend. “Food time?”

She smiled. “Food time. What are we whipping up tonight?” She turned on your cooking playlist as you walked over to the fridge and opened it, staring for a few seconds. 

“I`m kinda tired and people were not good about vegetables this week so fridge food pasta.”

Wanda started a pot of water and a frying pan on the stove while you dissected the vegetable drawer. Pulling out peppers, carrots, tomatoes, onions, and some herbs, you also grabbed a half full jar of tomato sauce. After getting another full one from the cabinet, as well as two boxes of pasta, you and Wanda got to work chopping the vegetables. Fridge food pasta was the best; you literally took any vegetables that were on their way out, chopped them up, and made pasta sauce with them. An easy way to clean out the fridge. 

You began to slide all of the chopped vegetables, as well as a healthy amount of garlic, into the skillet with oil as Wanda added some more songs to your cooking playlist. As that began to cook down, the water started to boil. Wanda salted the water and dumped the two boxes of pasta in. As it boiled, you danced around the kitchen with her, laughing when you both would slide away to stir the cooking vegetables. Once they were soft, Wanda dumped the sauce in with them as you drained the pasta. Then, it was mixed in with the sauce and dried basil was sprinkled over top.

“Hey FRIDAY?” you asked.

“Yes, Y/N?” 

“Tell everyone that whoever sets the table first, gets served first.”

Within seconds, Bruce was seated at the table, having placed plates and silverware around. You laughed as Bucky slid in on sock feet, face falling as he saw Bruce already seated. You and Wanda laughed even harder as Steve raced in after him, face flushed. Somehow, Nat had already slipped in. Everyone began to pull out drinks when Tony, Pepper, and Morgan exited the elevator.

“Hey Dad! Hey Mama!” you called from your position, looking through the fridge for your almond milk.

Tony wrapped an arm around you as you straightened and pressed a kiss to your hairline. You smiled up at him.

“How`d it go today, kiddo?” he murmured under the chaos that was happening at the table.

You sighed, leaning into him. “It was ok. I`ve had a lot worse. She`s nice. But I`m really tired now.”

He squeezed your arm. “I know. But I`m really proud of you for today, okay? It took me three sessions to even talk to her, I`m so proud that you are giving this a shot.”

Your moment was interrupted as laughter erupted at the table. You and Tony made your way over to see Morgan and Bucky seated across from each other and engaged in a pasta slurping battle. You slid in next to Wanda and kissed her on the cheek.

“Thanks, love.”

She smiled back. “Anytime.”

\---

After dinner, you headed upstairs with the rest of your family for Morgan`s bedtime routine. It involved a bedtime story, a juice pop, a song, and cuddles. The cuddles were your favorite part. 

The three of you snuck out as Morgan drifted off to sleep. Snuggling up on the couch, you leaned onto Pepper`s shoulder.

“How are you doing, sunshine?” She asked.

“I`ve been better.” You replied honestly. “Like, today was better than I thought it would be but I don’t feel okay right now. I`m tired but aghhh sleep, you know? And emotions are scary.”

Tony nodded, holding your hand. “I know, it sucks. But you`re trying and that’s what counts.”

You sighed, closing your eyes and nodding. He kissed your head.

"Love you, bug."

"Love you too, Dad." Wrapping your arms around Pepper, you smiled up at her. "I love you more, Mama."

Tony pretended to be offended as you all laughed. The three of you stayed like that for a while, neither of them pushing you to talk, just reveling in your newfound happiness. Eventually, you said goodnight and went downstairs to your room, where your loving girlfriend waited with open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just like writing food chapters, can you tell?  
> i`m at this point where i really want to write stuff for my stories (this and The Darcy Enigma) but i keep wanting to zoom through to the angst and action instead of building the story. its hard hahaha.  
> hope you guys liked this and i didnt make you too hungry! i always look forward to your comments.
> 
> Tonight`s actually a night. R.B.G. passed away today, the news broke a few hours ago. Didnt think 2020 could get worse. I was kinda expecting it, she didnt look healthy, but it still hurts. Hopefully, someone equally as awesome and empowering will take her place!
> 
> love you all, stay safe, stay healthy, stay sane, stay alive! depression is kicking our ass but we will get through this together, okay? okay.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of spooky season!  
> featuring cookies.
> 
> (apparently, i only write food chapters hahaha)

Y/N danced around the room, lighting apple cinnamon candles (the superior fall scent…pumpkin spice is overdone). It was September and high time for spooky season. Her fall playlist blared as she hung up paper leaves and bat scarves from her ceiling. All of a sudden, her phone timer went off. Making her way down to the kitchen, she pulled the two bowls of cookie dough out of the fridge. She had mixed up gingerbread and sugar cookie dough after breakfast that morning. Why was she doing this?

One. It was spooky season.

Two. Her Avengers and Halloween themed cookie cutters had arrived.

They were so freaking cute! Pumpkins, witches, candy corn, cats, and cauldrons, as well as all of her family members in various hero-type poses. She was so excited.

Spooky season was the best. She was never really allowed to celebrate before; her family said it was ‘of the devil’. But now she was going all out! Her fall wardrobe consisted of brown, oranges, greens, purples, golds, and reds; big sweaters, cardigans, and jumpers, as well as tights and heels. Her room was decorated and she had plans in the making that would include a family trip to get pumpkins. In college, she had won a gourd in a trivia game and named her new son Gourdon.

In therapy yesterday, she talked with Dr. Lia about making plans with her family to stay busy. This included drafting a Halloween movies list; none of them were scary, since their lives were scary enough. It was going to be epic.

As she rolled out the dough, she heard the sneaky footsteps of one Sam behind her.

“I swear, you have spidey senses for my cooking, Sam.” You sighed, before turning to face him.

He laughed, hands held in surrender. “Okay, but if I help, can have some first?”

You smiled. “Sure.” You pulled out another cutting board, dusting it in flour and handing him half of the sugar cookie dough. “So we`re going to do the sugar cookies first because otherwise, the sugar cookies will taste like gingerbread.”

As he rolled out the dough, you pulled out your treasure bag of cookie cutters. “Ta-da!” you shouted dramatically, dumping them out.

Both of you squealed over how awesome they were and got to work cutting out cookies and placing them on the cookie sheets.

“So. How are you?” Sam asked as you both worked.

You glanced over before turning back to your work station, rolling out the dough. “I`m ok. I`ve been better, I`ve been worse. All of the spooky season planning is helping, giving me something to do. Lia`s really a great help.”

He nodded. “Yeah, she`s awesome. She helped to get me back on my feet. When I moved in here, I recommended her to Stark and the rest is history.”

You put the trays in the oven. One of the perks of the kitchen was that you could fit four trays in the oven at once. Amazing.

As the two of you began to roll out the gingerbread, you bit your lip. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Therapy`s hard.”

He raised an eyebrow with a smirk. “You know what else is–“

You rolled your eyes before cutting him off. “No, I`m being serious. Its really freaking hard. Half the time, I don’t know if what I feel is even real, let alone trying to explain that and unleash all the trauma I`ve repressed and just ugh. It sucks.”

He smiled, nudging your shoulder. “I know. But you’re doing really awesome, by the way. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know that’s easier said than done but really. You`ve had, what, two sessions? Three sessions? The fact that you`re already trying says a lot. It`ll get better.”

“What if it gets worse before it gets better?” You waited in the silence. “What if I screw up again?”

Sam turned and wrapped you up in a hug. “You`ve got us all here for you, ok? We`ll take it like we always do, one step at a time. You`re stuck with us now, kiddo.”

You smiled, hugging him back before you both continued cutting out gingerbread Avengers and pumpkins. Once they were in the oven, Sam started to set the sugar cookies to cool while you began to whip up the white icing. Putting it in two bags, you both began to pipe the icing on the edge of the cookies, outlining the Halloween and Avengers shapes. Once the gingerbread was done and cool, you did the same with those.

Waiting for the icing to harden, you shared your Halloween movie list with Sam. He added a few Disney movies to the list before you headed to your room to retrieve your second purchase.

Back in the kitchen, you pulled out the box of Halloween goody bags and twist ties. The two of you set to work putting 4 cookies in each bag and tying them off. Putting them in a plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat container, you turned to Sam.

“Ready for some deliveries?”

He stuffed a cookie in his mouth before giving you a thumbs up. Your laughter echoed down the hall as you got in the elevator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, ITS SPOOKY SEASON! I`m so excited!
> 
> I was not planning this chapter, it just happened, you know? the spooky season triumphed. also, sam just decided to show up and i`m so here for it.
> 
> but yeah! I hope you guys liked it! more fun stuff and my trademark angst to come! please comment and let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inauguration Event of Spooky Season.

“Why are we here, Y/N?” Steve looked bewildered as you bounced around the room, wrapping up Avengers in fuzzy blankets and giving them a bowl of Halloween trail mix: pretzels and candy corn.

You smiled. “Its Spooky Season so that means we HAVE to work our way through my new Halloween movies list! I`ve never gotten to do Halloween before and I`m really excited, please Steve, please??!!”

You pulled out your best puppy dog eyes as you pleaded with him. He sighed, before pulling Bucky closer. “Fine.”

You beamed. “Thank you thank you thank you!!” You turned to look at the rest of the Avengers. “Don’t worry, none of them are scary because I`m easily scared and you guys have seen enough.”

You had FRIDAY pull up your list.

Y/N`s Spooky Season Time  
-Hocus Pocus  
-Escape to Witch Mountain  
-Return from Witch Mountain  
-Race to Witch Mountain  
-Casper  
-Halloweentown  
-Halloweentown 2  
-The Scream Team  
-The Addams Family  
-Clue  
-Practical Magic  
-Beetlejuice  
-Labyrinth  
-Hotel Transylvania  
-Ghostbusters  
-Matilda  
-The Nightmare Before Christmas 

“Y/N, The Nightmare Before Christmas isn’t a Halloween move!” Bruce shouted. Everyone turned to stare at him, surprised. He didn’t usually have such strong opinions about things.

You countered back quickly. “But its Jack SKELLINGTON! He lives in HALLOWEEN TOWN!”

“I don’t care! It’s a Christmas move! It literally says it in the title!”

“GUYS!” Natasha shouted. “Its both, okay?”

Tony laughed, pulling Morgan into his lap as he shared a knowing glance with Pepper. This was good; this was a playlist of movies that everyone could watch, including Morgan, movies that wouldn’t reignite any PTSD, that could bring them together. “So what`s first?”

“Why don’t we start at the beginning of the list?” Bucky suggested. 

“Awh, yes! You`re going to love Hocus Pocus!” Wanda shouted, before pulling Y/N back onto her lap. They both dissolved into giggles as Tony rolled his eyes.

“But you`re not a witch like that, love.” You said as you kissed your girlfriend`s cheek. “FRIDAY? Dim the lights!”

\---

Bucky stared at the screen as you watched his face. “So? What did you think?”

He blinked. “The Sanderson sisters are awful people; why was that such a good movie?”

You laughed. “Oh no, that’s a normal reaction. There`s literally nothing redeemable about them, you hate them so much, but then you still find yourself obsessing over them. Its normal.”

You watched him nod before pulling out your phone. “Alright everyone! Its time for the quiz!”

There was a mixture of groans and excited laughs as everyone else pulled up the Buzzfeed quiz. You made your way into the kitchen and heated up mugs of hot cider for everyone as they argued in the living room. Everyone filtered back in, talking about their results, as you spread out the leftover cookies and cider. 

“Gather round, gather round! Lets form a calming circle!” Sam announced. You all laughed as you dug into the spooky season spread of snacks.

You ended up going outside with your warm cider as Tony and Steve built a bonfire. Wrapped up in cozy blankets, you stargazed as you cuddled with Wanda.

“Remember our first bonfire?” she whispered in your ear.

You smiled, remembering the night of the phone`s destruction. How, barely knowing Wanda or Tony, you still trusted them enough to wreak some midnight havoc together. How cathartic it was, how that first taste of freedom felt, of liberation. 

You leaned your head onto her shoulder. “And here you are, still keeping me warm.”

As your family started to head back inside, you raised your voice a little.

“So we`re doing weekly movie nights and other spooky season related activities. Be prepared, I will be sending out a schedule!”

Everyone laughed as they made their way to bed. The air was crisp and it was cozy and you were happy with your family.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact, thats actually my halloween movie playlist that i`m working through.
> 
> dont you love when something writes itself? the bonfire decided to show up and I was like, awh, thats cute. also, bruce having strong opinions about the nightmare before christmas...i was like, who would say that? bruce!
> 
> if anyone wants to classify the avengers as different sanderson sisters, that would be hysterical and i`m interested.
> 
> but yeah. i dont have lots to talk about, just that i`m so grateful for you guys. stay safe, i`ll be updating really soon!


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More therapy times and some plotting.

“So sleeping. How`s that going for you?”

You laid on the armchair with your legs over the side, almost upside down, as Dr. Lia watched. You sighed.

“Its not great. Wanda and I sleep together almost every night but it doesn’t really help.”

“Can you talk about what happens?”

You watched the shadows on the ceiling as you responded. “So I go to sleep okay, because she`s there and I have a nightlight. But I still have nightmares every night, I still wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning really freaking confused.”

You paused. “My dreams are so real, its scary. I wake up and I don’t know whether it was a memory or a dream or what`s going on in my head.”

You closed your eyes. “I just want to stop waking up scared and confused. I want to be able to sleep without being in a constant state of anxiety in my dreams.”

Dr. Lia nodded. “When you feel like that, scared and anxious and depressed, what do you want? What do you need?”

You felt tears start to spring in frustration. “I want to stop worrying, I want someone to take care of me so that I don’t have to take care of myself! That’s all I`ve ever done, is fight for myself and keep myself going and I`m really fucking tired. I`m so exhausted.”

She sat down on the floor, leaning against the chair you were draped across.

“You took care of yourself a lot, didn’t you?”

You nodded. “It wasn’t always bad. They weren’t always mean or uncaring. They were just busy. My siblings had a lot of issues and they needed more help than me. I mean, I didn’t have to cook for myself or anything, but emotionally and with other people and in school stuff? I was kinda on my own. And then when she decided to homeschool me, I did that all on my own. That was where it started to fall apart.”

“And in high school? Forget it. I was never good enough. I was constantly overworking myself and trying to find myself and make friends and trying to backtrack and cover things up when they never approved of anything I did. I was constantly hiding and lying and shutting down my emotions, to protect myself, to not let them hurt me anymore.”

“I`m just so confused, its so complicated. I`m tired of it being complicated. I just want to be taken care of, to be safe.”

Dr. Lia nodded as she passed you a tissue. You wiped away the tears and tried to steady your breathing.

“Do you feel overwhelmed?”

You snorted. “I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. Because things are so much better here. All the bad stuff should just go away. But it won`t. Its really overwhelming because I need to be happy and better but I can`t.” 

Dr. Lia smiled. “First off all, there is no such thing as ‘you should be’ whatever. You have to take things at your own pace.” Dr. Lia picked up a basket from next to the chair filled with fidget-y things. You quickly grabbed a Jacob`s Ladder toy and started playing with it.

Dr. Lia continued. “Secondly, what you need is what you need. No one should judge you any differently for that. You`ve been fighting so hard for so long; yes, you may be an adult now but what you need is a break. You need someone to take care of you when you feel like this. And there`s nothing wrong with that. You did all of your grown-up thinking and problem solving when you were a kid. Now you`re an adult but your brain is tired of being an adult.”

You nodded. “Yeah, that sounds about right. So what do I do? Because that’s where I`m really at a loss. I know all this stuff, I`m discovering all this stuff here but I don’t know what to do with it all.”

Dr. Lia shrugged. “Well, you know yourself best; I`m only here to offer suggestions. What I would suggest for now is to take a break. Call some friends, hang out with people. Do something that involves being with other people instead of managing other people.”

You chewed your lip. “Yeah, I could do that.”

Dr. Lia looked at the clock. “Well, that’s all for today but I`ll do some thinking, yeah? Next time we meet, we`ll talk about coping stuff we can do, maybe make some slime or something.”

You smiled. “Slime is the best.”

As you made your way out of the room, Dr. Lia nodded before jotting a few notes down.

\---

You banged on Bucky and Steve`s door. “Hey Buckaroo!”

He opened it with an eyebrow raised. He had become used to your dramatic entrances and no longer rushed to rip open the door like he used to, afraid that something terrible was happening. He just leaned against the doorframe.

“What?”

“How do you feel about a Death Divas reunion?”

He grinned. “Always.”

You clapped. “Awesome. I`m going to go annoy the shit out of Loki until he answers. How do you feel about tomorrow?”

Back in your room, you set up the spell Loki had taught you to get into instant communication with him. The air shimmered like a ringing phone.

“Loki.”

“Hey Loki.”

“Lokirooney.”

“Lokitty-cat.”

“Lokister.”

“Lokum.”

“Lokillikins.”

“Thor gives better hugs than you.”

“WHAT?” Loki`s annoyed face appeared in the middle of your room. You jumped before grinning.

“Just kidding! You give the best hugs. Hey, how do you feel about a Death Divas reunion?” you asked.

He chuckled. “Do you even have to ask?”

You squealed. “Yes! Its spooky season and I`m so excited, you should know. So how about tomorrow afternoon?”

He winked. “Sounds fabulous. See you tomorrow!”

Going to sleep that night, you felt a little better, excited to hang out with your friends again.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS IN A ROW??!!  
> yes.  
> yes i did.
> 
> this chapter came out pretty easy, i had little to do with it. the plot just showed up, ya know?
> 
> sleeping is not something i do well. i stay up ridiculously late because i`m scared to go upstairs to bed. trauma and nightly bad dreams are just not fun. so thats kinda what i`m trying to convey here, that it isnt always screaming awake and shaking and crying; sometimes, a lot of the times, its being trapped in your dreams in a constant state of anxiety and fear all freaking night. so yeah. if you relate, you`re not alone.
> 
> also, the feeling of needing to be taken care of, to not have to take care of yourself? thats okay and normal. youre not needy or clingy or weird for needing that. especially if you had to grow up too fast. its really exhausting and you deserve to be loved, okieday?
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed. i love you all! stay safe, stay healthy! i have to go buy baby pumpkins now :)


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death Divas reunion and gorlz time

“And then he goes, ‘I cannot wipe America`s ass with anything less than Charmin!’”

The Death Divas burst into laughter as Bucky finished his story. Face masks were on and a glass of wine was in each of your hands as you all laughed together. You took a sip before setting it down.

“I still cant believe that`s what he chose to get upset about,” you shook your head as you walked over to the basket of nail polish. Bringing it back, you each picked a shade or two and set to work on each other`s nails.

Loki rolled his eyes. “Please. You should see Thor whenever we get visitors to Asgard. He likes to trick them by pretending that we don’t have flushing toilets, that we all use chamber pots.”

Bucky barked out a laugh. “And they call you the Trickster!”

Loki preened. “Well, he did learn from the best.”

You snorted. “Yeah but our prank war was a whole new level so everyone else can get in line.”

They nodded in agreement and everyone focused back on their nails. You all admired the colors before heading to the bathroom. Crowding in the mirror, everyone laughed, trying to peel off their mask without messing up their nails; Loki eventually just magicked it all off. Collapsing back on your bed, you all snuggled up and turned on Casper the Friendly Ghost because Spooky Season stops for no one, not even the Death Divas.

By the time Wanda, Steve, and Thor barged in to separate the squad, you were all decently drunk and sleepy. Curled up with Wanda, you smiled. Best friends were the best and girlfriends were even better.

\---

Thankfully, there was no hangover when you rolled out of bed in the middle of the next day. After a shower, clothes, and makeup, you headed down to the kitchen. Nat was thumbing through a recipe while you made your morning tea.

“Can I help?” you asked.

She smiled. “It will honestly probably go better if you help.” She showed you a recipe for chicken and waffles. Together, you began to pull out ingredients.

“So I heard there was quite the party last night.”

You rolled your eyes. “Noooo, it was wonderful. Only minimal party-ing. I wasn’t even hungover this morning, but that might be just Loki being amazing.”

Nat laughed. “Don’t let Wanda hear you say that, she’ll get jealous of your new, anti-hangover, boyfriend.”

You snickered. “Nah, can`t break up the trinity of drama. Death Divas for life!” You fist pumped the air before breaking into giggles.

Cooking with Nat was an adventure. On one hand, it was like a dance; the two of you were very in synch and aware of each other. But on the other hand, Nat became an entirely new person. She relaxed, she breathed. She seemed less on edge and tense, instead laughing and smiling along with you to ridiculous songs.

Wanda eventually wandered back in to join you, hugging you around your waist and stealing kisses as you tried to cook. The three of you discussed the latest antics of the boys around the Compound and the excitement of fall sweaters. While dinner was cooking, you put in a bulk order of fall and winter scented soy candles while Nat and Wanda conspired to clear everyone`s calendar for Saturday. It was pumpkin time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have never had chicken and waffles but thats what nat wanted so i wont deprive her of that.
> 
> guys, ive been super depressed and im sorry for not updating sooner. life sucks but hey, i washed my hair today!   
> i miss friends and adventures and not being single. but i made halloween cookies today!  
> also, why is it that good mornings have bad nights? midnight thoughts with sarah.
> 
> love you guys! i promise im going to be ok, it just sucks rn. updates soon!
> 
> p.s.: also, does anyone know a good, small business candle shop on etsy bc i need fall scents hahaha.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pumpkin patch fluff!

“Come on, come on, come on!” You bounced around the kitchen like it was Christmas morning, chai tea latte in hand as your family pulled on their flannels and denim jackets. 

Everyone laughed as you all piled into the big-ass, 15 person Avengers van. Why did you have an Avengers van? Because you guys were a family and that’s how car trips happen, boys and girls.

Finally, you arrived at the pumpkin patch. It was a beautiful, backwater, family run business; none of that agri-tainment capitalistic business here! As you climbed out, Wanda adjusted the beanie on your head and kissed your nose, you scrunching your face up in happiness. You slipped your hand into hers, then pulling it into the pocket of your red wool coat.

And so, the Avengers entered the pumpkin patch.

Mass chaos ensued.

It wasn’t busy at the patch; there were no hoards of screaming fans or anything. But have you ever tried to take a team of super-humans and alien gods to a pumpkin patch?

It was the best, really. Thor and Loki kept loudly proclaiming their joy, pointing out almost every pumpkin in sight. You had filled them in on Midgardian Samhain customs and they responded with the unbridled enthusiasm only gods could possess. It was adorable.

What else was adorable was watching Nat and Bruce, two people who never really got to celebrate anything as a child. They were hesitant but bore soft smiles as they knelt down in the pumpkins, looking around for the perfect pumpkins.

Tony and Pepper pushed Morgan in the red crate pumpkin cart for the time being, until it started being loaded up. Unfortunately, that time came pretty soon. 

Sam, Steve, and Bucky were holding a competition for who could find and carry the biggest pumpkins. You laughed at their antics before looking for pumpkins yourself with Wanda. You each picked a medium to large one to carve but your favorite pumpkins were nowhere to be seen yet.

Once the cart was loaded with a ridiculous amount of pumpkins, you all moved on to the stand by the side of the patch. You squealed in joy; there were baby pumpkins!

You ran over, tugging Wanda along with you as you ran your other hand over the piles of baby pumpkins. There were super tiny ones and misshapen ones, in every shade from green to orange. While you obsessed over their adorable-ness, Wanda left with some of the boys to buy hot cider. She returned with two steaming mugs as you struggled to pile fifteen baby pumpkins into the already overstuffed cart. 

As Tony dragged Thor and Steve off to help him pay for and load up the pumpkins, you sat down on some hay bales in front of Wanda, leaning back on her lap as Loki and Bucky sat on either side of you. Morgan quickly ran over and jumped on your lap, sticking her cold hands against your neck.

You all smiled, breathing in the fall air with each other`s warmth at your sides. You squeezed Wanda`s hand.

“I`m going to go check out that booth, see if I can get candles for Samhain or anything.” Sliding Morgan off your lap, you stood. Wanda nodded, taking Morgan. You basically lived in the same room anymore so you would just get one set for you both. Loki trailed after you as you entered the small shop.

“So are you Wiccan, then?” he asked as you walked around the shop, passing the scented candles for the plain taper candles. You sighed.

“Its complicated. I`m not really anything right now. Growing up Catholic, everything was taught to us. We didn’t make any decisions on our own. To be drawn to a religion or spirituality that is entirely self driven and interpreted is really hard for me to wrap my head around. I want someone to just be like, okay, here, this is what you should believe, this is what you should practice, but it doesn’t work like that. I have to figure it out for myself and that’s pretty slow going, considering that I`ve never been able to decide things on my own before. But I`m trying so I guess that’s all I can do.”

He nodded, before turning his attention back to the candles. The two of you picked out four white taper candles just because, and four pillar candles in orange, black, silver, and gold. You also selected some patchouli incense and dried rosemary. As you paid, Loki slid a small, hammered silver necklace with an etched pentagram on it across the counter. You looked up at him and smiled. As the cashier bagged your purchases, he clasped it around your neck. You took a deep breath. It was time for a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (sigh...)  
> ugh, i want adventures like this! excuse my wistful pining for love and companionship. everyone needs some pumpkin patch avengers shenanigans.
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter, it basically wrote itself. it was so much fun to write and i loved every second!
> 
> also, if anyone is a practicing wiccan, pagan, or witchcraft folk, please talk to me! that whole rant was totally me, i feel so directionless because i dont know how to make decisions for myself and i need help. any tips for celebrating samhain in secret are also appreciated!
> 
> some sad news...  
> my parents want to keep me home for another semester bc corona. ironically, this comes in the next breath after them saying that the elementary schools need to reopen and people need to get over corona. its about control, folks.  
> so that would make my third and a half semester in quarantine (i took summer classes) and i want to cry. on one hand, baking whenever i want is a plus. getting to work is a plus. saving money is a plus. but im losing my fucking mind and sanity and identity and shit. sooooo yeah. thats fun.
> 
> i love you all so freaking much, you are amazing and loved and fantabulous and dont ever let anyone tell you differently! thanks for being my family (hearts and hugs!)


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pumpkin carving goes wrong.
> 
> hop on the angst train, friends and gentlethems.

Why is it that the good days always turn into the worst days?

They came home from the pumpkin patch and you instantly went to the kitchen to whip up some pumpkin bread and mulled cider. Everyone devoured it quickly after setting the pumpkins out on the table; you headed back to your room with Wanda to set up your candles and baby pumpkins.

Finally, it was time to carve pumpkins. You all gathered around the long table, covered with a Halloween tablecloth. It quickly turned into a competition, Nat shouting over Bucky as to who had the best and most precise knife skills and who would, therefore, carve the best pumpkin. Everyone was loud and the pumpkin guts were cold and icky. It had been a long day and you were starting to crash. 

You felt overwhelmed; it was too much but it shouldn’t be too much. You were okay, you were with your family, you should be okay. You began to blink and breathe heavily, trying to ignore the fuzziness in your head and pounding in your chest.

Wanda caught on quickly. “Hey, Y/N? Are you okay? Do you need a break?”

“No! I want to carve pumpkins! I just-“ You clutched the sides of your head in frustration, oblivious to the carving tools still in your hands.

Wanda reached out to placate you. “Y/N, love, its okay to take a break. Just give me the tools, yeah?”

She gently pulled at your hand, a touch you weren’t expecting. You lashed out and the sharp blade in your hand slid along her arm. It was only a shallow cut but you were frozen. All you could see was the blood and the shock on her face and the pain and oh my god, what have you done, youre stupid, youre stupid, its all your fault, she`ll never love you now, she`ll see what a mistake you were, now she hates you, why was it her, it should’ve been you.

You dropped the tools with a clatter and backed away, shaking. You couldn’t hear the silence, only your pounding heart. You didn’t see the stares of everyone on you, only Wanda.

“I-I`m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, it was an accident, god i`m so sorry, please don’t be mad.” Your voice quivered in the silent room until everyone sprang into action. Nat rushed to get a cloth and put pressure on Wanda`s cut. You could only stare as everyone began to talk and move around you. Were they talking to you? You just kept backing away.

Suddenly, Tony stepped forward into your vision. “Y/N,-“

You dropped to the floor in an instant, sliding back to the cabinets and throwing your hands over your head to protect yourself as you began to sob. “I`m sorry, I`m sorry, I`m so sorry, please don’t hurt me, I wont do it again.”

Tony paled and slowly crouched down to the floor, keeping his distance as you began to hyperventilate into a panic attack. His hands twitched as he ached to help you.

“Y/N, love, its okay. No one is going to hurt you. I promise. Its okay. Just breathe for me. We`ll figure this out.”

“But I…hurt…her…” you gasped out in between shuddering breaths. Your vision started to go fuzzy as you beat your arms against the cabinets.

“Y/N, stop that.”

You started to scream, a weak thing fueled by frustration and anger and sadness and guilt all rolled into one. Tony began to slowly scoot closer to you but he never got there. 

Strong arms wrapped you up in a blanket from behind, swaddling you tightly and trapping you against their chest. You barely registered the cool metal hand stroking your forehead as you cried and thrashed back into Bucky, who held you tightly. He took it all without flinching as Wanda was pulled away from the scene along with most of the Avengers, leaving Steve, Tony, Bruce, and the human straightjacket with your quickly weakening body wrapped in his arms. He soothed you, whispering in your ear, but you didn’t understand.

Eventually, your wailing quieted to soft hiccupping sobs and your body collapsed against Bucky, no longer fighting. Sometime in the midst of it all, Tony had moved forward and was now holding your hand, stroking circles on your thumb. Steve and Bruce stood back; the doctor`s eyes were flitting over your shape, assessing how to help you, while Steve`s eyes were glued to Bucky, remembering how he used to do exactly this for his boyfriend back when things were more difficult.

Everyone waited it out while your tears dried, almost in shock over how quickly things had gone wrong. Your eyes blinked slowly, exhausted from your panic attack.

Tony broke the silence first. “Let`s go to bed and we`ll sort this out in the morning, yeah?”

A single tear dripped out as you nodded, ashamed. It was all your fault, you had ruined the night.

You tuned back in to hear Tony speak again. “You know where her room is?”

You shook your head wildly. Wanda and you shared a room now; she probably hated you, you didn’t want to see her. It would hurt too much and it was all your fault. You couldn’t face her right now.

Tony sighed, glancing at Bruce. They both knew that it was out of avoidance and guilt but they didn’t risk challenging you and having you spiral again. “Okay. Do you want to sleep upstairs?”

You paused before shaking your head again.

“No.” Tony said firmly. “You are not going to sleep alone tonight. Do you want to sleep in Morgan`s room or ours?”

You lowered your head. What if you hurt Morgan? “Yours.” You whispered.

The mood was somber as Bucky carried you up to Pepper and Tony`s room. Pepper was nowhere to be found as they tucked you in, likely still comforting Morgan. You quickly drifted off, not even noticing the matching tearstained looks on your parents` faces when they climbed in on either side of you. For the first time, they felt like they didn`t know how to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awh man, this chapter hurt.
> 
> i wasnt planning this at all, it just happened and that hurt even more. of course, the situation is not as terrible as y/n feels it is, even though her feelings are very valid.
> 
> also, we love bucky so fucking much. 
> 
> i hope you guys are all doing okay! i love you all so much, please comment and let me know what you thought or how youre doing. i love hearing from you guys


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the panic attack and a much needed therapy session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> starting with this chapter, we are delving into the topic of non-sexual age regression, especially when used by childhood trauma victims. any hate or nastiness will not be tolerated. if you are uncomfortable with these themes, please stop reading the story now. however, i would recommend that you educate yourself on this topic so that you can be more understanding of people who are age-regressors, who have to regress in order to be able to cope with the overwhelmingness that is life and past trauma.
> 
> if you are sticking around, i hope that you enjoy this new topic and feel safe, validated, represented, and loved.

You woke up crying, shoulders shaking from your nightmare which mixed with jumbled memories from last night. You curled up in a ball, digging your palms into your eyes. Nothing was okay and it was all your fault. 

You became aware of a hand stroking your back. You curled into yourself further, choking back sobs. Someone planted a kiss on your head. You caught a whiff of Pepper`s perfume before sniffling; she responded by scooching closer to you, becoming the big spoon.

“Just let it out, okay?” She whispered to you. “I`m right here.”

And it was an ugly cry, silent and choking. Minutes later, you began to run out of tears, instead laying motionless.

She kissed your head again. “What happened last night is not your fault, okay? Its not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were scared, that`s all.”

She hugged you tighter. “Wanda`s okay, you know. It was really shallow and she`s already started to heal.”

You shut your eyes.

“She`s not mad at you, sunshine. Not at all. Not one bit. Nobody blames you.” Pepper squeezed your hand before unwrapping herself from you and slipping out of bed. Your breath caught at the sudden coldness and loneliness. 

Someone quickly replaced her, curling around you. You started crying again at the familiar scent of lavender and vanilla, with a touch of spice. Your body shook as your girlfriend wrapped you up in her arms, breathing in the scent of each other and the pain. You both cried at the ocean of trauma between you, fighting against it for each other. No words were said; nothing needed to be said. Her fingers slipped in between yours and everything was going to be okay.

\---

After tea and pancakes, Wanda walked you to therapy, promising to wait in the hall the entire time. Tony had already told Dr. Lia of last night`s events and she sat waiting for you with a bowl of chocolate and bottles of water. Not even four steps in the door, she was at your side and wrapping you in a hug. You allowed yourself another moment of rest; she really was the best therapist. She waved at Wanda before shutting the door and making her way back to her seat while you sat on the floor.

She nudged the bowl of chocolate over to you and waited until you had opened one before beginning to talk. “So I completely understand if you cant be verbal today. I`m just going to talk through some things, we`ll use an emotions chart, and then I have some ideas. But if at any point, you`re tired and done, just let me know. We`re going to take it easy.”

You scooted over the desk to crawl under it and sit with the chocolate and water while she sat across from you in her chair, close enough that you could see her but far enough that she didn’t crowd you.

She pulled out the emotion chart with the different faces. “Last night, when your panic started setting in, what were you feeling?”

You pointed at ‘frustrated’ and ‘scared’. She nodded.

“Were you frustrated with the carving or with yourself?”

You pointed at yourself.

“And were you scared of everyone around you and the noise or were you afraid of your own frustration?”

You paused before nodding.

“Both?”

You nodded again, miserably.

“So you were scared because it was loud, you became overwhelmed and then frustrated with yourself for being scared?”

Yup, got it in one. You ate another piece of chocolate.

“And how do you feel now?”

You pointed to ‘tired’.

“Tired of this happening, of coping skills not working?”

She knew you so well. You disguised your urge to cry by drinking water.

Dr. Lia cleared her throat. “I have a suggestion and a theory; you can shoot it down at any point but I thought it was worth suggesting.”

“When you were young, you didn’t suffer one big traumatic experience, it was a collection of little ones over and over again. You’ve retained all of it because your brain never got to process them. You had to grow up really fast and learn how to protect yourself emotionally. So when you were little, you forced yourself to act like an adult, even though you still had a little kid`s brain. Now you`re an adult, but you still have that little kid`s brain and emotions sometimes because you didn’t get to grow up slowly like other people.”

You nodded; it made a lot of sense.

“There`s this thing called age regression.”

You tensed.

“No, no, not like that. I`m not talking about the gross kink stuff. Basically, its just acknowledging that you cant process like normal adults sometimes and, when you feel overwhelmed, letting your brain take over and letting yourself act like your brain wants to. In your case, you would be allowing yourself to go back to being a child, when you were traumatized, and reworking through your brain and its processes. Your brain is confused; it is frozen in childhood and it doesn’t understand how to process things sometimes. By letting yourself regress to that time, you are helping your brain to rebuild happier memories and how to process properly. You are letting yourself be a child because you never got to be one in the first place.”

You nodded slowly, uncertain. Dr Lia continued.

“There`s a lot of stigma around it but I can promise you that the people who live here in this Compound are the most kind and understanding individuals I`ve ever met. You don’t have to be worried about them treating you differently or making fun of you or hurting you. If this is something you want to consider, I would have no problem talking to them about it to make sure.”

“I-“ your voice cracked as you tried to speak for the first time that day. “I think I`ve…felt…what youre talking about. Like…just wanting to be taken care of and be a kid. Its really hard to…to be an adult sometimes, to…handle everything because that’s…that’s all I`ve ever done and I`m tired.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “First of all, I`m really proud of you for talking. That took a lot of work. Age regression isn’t something you force, though. We both know how you like to push things sometimes. Its just letting yourself ‘drop’ or ‘slip’ when you start to feel really young or overwhelmed. Its letting that younger side of you protect the big side of you when things get to be too much.”

The rest of the short session was spent talking about different things, trying to figure out what would help you regress and feel safe, trying to figure out what age you were while regressed, talking about what Dr. Lia would be allowed to share with your family and team. You would be lying if you said it wasn’t weighing on your mind when you rejoined Wanda in the hall, but you let it go for the moment. 

You would think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was originally planning for there to be angst between y/n and wanda, with y/n avoiding her out of guilt. but my characters decided otherwise and i couldnt be prouder.
> 
> everyone needs a dr. lia in their life. enough said.
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! comment with any ideas or thoughts or anything! i love you all so much! mercury retrograde and depression are kicking my ass right now so updates might be slow but know that you all are amazing and loved :)


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N and Wanda have a moment because healing is overwhelming.

Y/N and Wanda made it back to Wanda`s room before Y/N started to cry.

“Hey, hey, sunshine, its okay, I`m right here.” Wanda closed the door before gently cupping the sides of Y/N`s face, kissing her cheeks, forehead, and nose. She wiped the tears away with her thumbs when they silently trekked down Y/N`s face.

“What`s wrong, love?” Wanda asked softly.

Y/N shook her head. “Nothing, I- I don’t know, I`m just-“ She stopped in frustration.

Wanda wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, giving her a comforting hug. She could feel Y/N start to slowly relax into her, sniffling on her shoulder as Wanda stroked her back. Wanda slid her arms under Y/N`s legs and picked her up, carrying her over to the bed. Sitting down, she simply held Y/N as she wrapped herself around Wanda like an octopus. 

About ten minutes had passed before Wanda scooted back to the headboard, pulling Y/N to lay against her as they relaxed.

“I`m so tired.” Y/N whispered. Wanda waited while her girlfriend dredged up more words. 

“I think I`m doing okay and then stuff like this happens. I just feel so sad and tired of things being so hard. Why cant things just be easier?”

Wanda smiled. “I know, love. But you`re doing so great, you really are. You are so strong and I love you so much.”

Y/N sighed. “Dr. Lia said some things today.”

Wanda paused; what did that mean? “Oh yeah?” she asked.

Y/N played with Wanda`s shirt hem as she spoke. “She was talking about how my brain is kinda stuck like a kid`s, that I might need to take time sometimes to let myself act like a kid to help heal all of the trauma and stuff. Like, as a coping mechanism. Do you think its too weird?”

“I don’t know, how do you feel about it?”

“I think she`s kinda right, that it might help, but I`m tired of things not working. What if it doesn’t work? What if I become dependent on it? What if I cant function as an adult anymore?” She stared into Wanda`s eyes, searching for an answer.

Wanda hummed. “Well, if it helps you, then I`m all for it. If it doesn’t work, I`m still right here; not going anywhere. Ever.”

She kissed her girlfriend deeply before pulling away. “You are way too strong to become dependent on anything, sunshine. Trust me, I`ve tried. This is just letting yourself have moments from time to time. For normal people, they could just take ‘me time’. But you, being your own special brand of amazing, cant do that because your brain runs too much.”

She booped her nose. “I don’t think its too weird; I don’t think you`re weird, or damaged, or broken. Sure it might be awkward at first until we figure out what you need but its worth a shot.”

Y/N sighed, closing her eyes. “I still feel uncomfy, though.”

Wanda hugged her. “Don’t think about it now. Don’t worry about it or fixate on it. We`ll figure it out as we go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, im baaack!  
> sort of.
> 
> i am a lonely les-bean who wants a gf to cuddle, is it that obvious hahaha?
> 
> its been a rough bit but i`m not forcing myself to stress out over posting so yay improvement! i really wanted to get a samhain chapter out on samhain but that didnt happen because the inspiration bunnies have been scared away. it will happen, though, its in the works.
> 
> speaking of inspiration though, i was inspired to start another fic! maybe a bad idea to pile another one onto my plate but i`m super excited about it! if you wanna go check it out, it would make me smile. this new original character kicks ass.
> 
> i dont know if age regression is actually going to be as big of a theme as i planned it to be. i had a whole outline but it doesnt feel right anymore. it might just be because im having to be so grown up right now in regards to the quickly approaching moving-out-for-my-own-safety and i cant really take care of myself mentally, but we`ll see how it goes. 
> 
> please stay safe out there. its a really scary world right now. im afraid for the future, afraid for our rights. i had a whole mental breakdown the other day because im so scared of losing what little bodily autonomy i have under the law and not being allowed to get married someday. if any of you guys arent from the US, please just keep tabs on any of your US friends. its a scary time for us.
> 
> i love you all dearly. im sending so many hugs :) feel free to comment about the story or about how youre doing or absolutely anything, i love hearing from you guys. these stories come from my heart but you guys make it all worth it


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N gets up to some restless shenanigans.

Weeks passed and bled into each other. Y/N had a peaceful Samhain and spent a lot of the day with Wanda. She was making a good amount of progress with Dr. Lia; they talked about age regression and that Y/N did feel as if she related to it but didn’t want to push it until she was ready. Dr. Lia agreed to let it go for now, instead focusing on coping with nightmares and triggers. Y/N still flinched at loud noises and unsuspected touches but was usually able to talk herself down from panic attacks.

Weekends were spent playing with Morgan or visiting Peter. She really did miss him and couldn’t wait until he was on break. She had decided to start classes again in the spring semester but would be taking them online. She didn’t want to go back to school; she felt at home in the Compound and wasn’t quite ready to be away from her new family yet. It was too soon. But she was ready to get back into classes.

The past few days, however, she was feeling restless. Y/N needed to do something reckless, something new, she needed an adventure. Wanda recommended she clean out her desk; so that’s what she was doing. As she went through her stack of coloring pages and other papers, she came across an envelope. Opening it up, she skimmed the contents before her eyes lit up and she dashed out of the room.

\---

BANG BANG BANG!

Bucky rubbed his eyes blearily as he rolled out of bed.

“What?” he groaned as he pulled the door open. Y/N stood in front of him, bouncing on her toes. 

“Oh, were you sleeping?” her face fell slightly. “I`m so sorry!”

Bucky smiled. “Yeah but its okay. What`s wrong?”

She shook her head. “Nothing`s wrong. Well, sort of.”

Bucky stepped aside as she walked into the room. 

“I`ve just been feeling really restless, like I need an adventure. And then I came across this.” She handed him an envelope. He raised an eyebrow in confusion before it clicked into place.

“So what do you say, Bucky-bear? How about a Death Divas reunion?”

\---

To say that Loki was excited was an understatement. He had received a call from Y/N and Bucky the day before, cashing in on an adventure, and now here they were, sitting in a tattoo shop and filling out paperwork. He had illusioned most of his anyway, leaving Bucky and Y/N to grumble in frustration at being human.

They had decided against group tattoos for now, noting that they would brainstorm a design in the future. Today, they were each getting their own design with the gift certificate Y/N had received from them for her birthday. And Loki was most excited to experience another human invention.

\---

“Aaaand, done!” Y/N smiled as the camera flashed. It hadn’t hurt as much as she thought but she was glad that it was over. She hugged the boys as she swiped on her camera roll. 

Bucky had gotten a tattoo on his forearm: a line which formed an infinity symbol before straightening out again. Both Y/N and Loki had tears in their eyes when he explained the meaning behind “to the end of the line”, although Loki would deny it. 

Loki`s tattoo was above his heart, along his collarbone: his mother`s sword with ‘frigga’ written along it in cursive. Every moment of his life, he regretted his last words to her and wanted to pay her homage in this moment. 

Y/N wanted her tattoo on her ankle, a dandelion blowing in the breeze with ‘resilient’ written underneath.

After snapping a picture of them all grinning goofily, she sent all of the photos to the Avengers Family Group Chat: no context. They all hugged each other, ignoring their phones blowing up in their pockets, before thanking the artists again and heading out down the street. They stopped in a small coffeeshop with an attached secondhand bookstore, enjoying drinks, stories, and laughter. The restless feeling was gone and Y/N couldn’t stop grinning, happy to be adventuring with her best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys….
> 
> Its been over two months since I last posted and i`m so sorry. I`ve been going through shit and I just couldn’t.
> 
> After the election, my parents were furious with me for contributing to Biden`s win. I don’t remember much of that day because it was really traumatic but I remember being told to ‘get the hell out of her house’. I cried for about 10 hours that night and ended up packing a bag and texting friends trying to get advice. I also talked to a Trevor Project counselor. In the end, I decided to stay; I wasn’t brave enough to leave. However, in the morning, my parents accessed my phone via their Qustodio software and read all my texts and completely shut my phone down. They yelled at me for hours and forced me to come out to them through manipulation, then yelled at me some more. The days that followed were a constant guilt trip and my brain is so fucking messed up. I`ve blocked so much out, there`s so much I cant remember, from the past few months and my entire life. I feel like I`ve just completely shut down; I am so depressed right now. I`m having a whole nother sexuality crisis because i`ve been recently brainwashed and its so draining. I`m so tired. My family is constantly praying that ‘the demons possessing our house be exorcised’ and life in America is hard right now and its just a constant battle of my own identity and me fighting off unhealthy coping mechanisms. I`ve only messed up a few times but its so hard. I literally don’t remember who I am anymore. I was rereading my fanfics after a user named K commented to check in on me the other day and I dont recognize or remember half of the things I`ve written or commented about.
> 
> But when K commented, it reminded me of how much I fucking miss you all. I miss creating works and having people comment on them and actually enjoy what I`m putting out. I miss this community, I miss this family. So I`m kinda back? I have no idea when I`ll post or how I`m going to write these stories, but I`m here and I miss you and I didn’t forget about you and I`m so sorry I haven’t been here for you. I don’t know what direction these stories are going in but I`m not giving up.
> 
> I love you all so much. Thank you for still being here. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that you all are doing okay. I recently got into restless shenanigans and had my ears pierced a second time, so I highly recommend it. 


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